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Molly's blog, created for her personal edification. Mostly quotes, really, but occasionally enlightening.
Right. Scratch that.
archives:
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molly_
romeo & juliet:
FRIAR LAURENCE
On Thursday, sir? the time is very short.
PARIS
My father Capulet will have it so,
And I am nothing slow to slack his haste.
FRIAR LAURENCE
You say you do not know the lady's mind:
Uneven is the course, I like it not.
PARIS
Immoderately she weeps for Tybalt's death,
And therefore have I little talk'd of love;
For Venus smiles not in a house of tears.
Now, sir, her father counts it dangerous
That she doth give her sorrow so much sway,
And in his wisdom hastes our marriage,
To stop the inundation of her tears;
Which, too much minded by herself alone,
May be put from her by society:
Now do you know the reason of this haste.
FRIAR LAURENCE
[Aside] I would I knew not why it should be slow'd.
Look, sir, here comes the lady towards my cell.
Enter JULIET
PARIS
Happily met, my lady and my wife!
JULIET
That may be, sir, when I may be a wife.
PARIS
That may be must be, love, on Thursday next.
JULIET
What must be shall be.
FRIAR LAURENCE
That's a certain text.
links:
this modern world
john muir
cake
e.e. cummings
billy collins
myself
blogger
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ok there. time to start figuring things out, because I want to get this all figured out in my own head before I start messing with anyone else's head, or anyone tries to mess with mine. not that there's any antagonistic relationship going on. but it always ends up that way in my head. i need to steel myself. and figure things out. here goes, i guess.
I like Adam. I really enjoy hanging out with him. Not on the phone, so much, I think I just dislike phone calls after all. AIM conversations and really life personhood are best. so AIM over the summer. whoo. And I'm definitely attracted to Adam. This just raises a quandary in my mind--is there anything to a relationship besides physical atraction and being friends? I feel like there ought to be, because I've been attracted to friends before and still not felt like anything significant was going on. I'm not really sure what real relationships entail. I feel like I've had no experience with any.
But somehow I feel like this will all become irrelevant, because by the time we get back to school Adam will have decided that he just wants to be friends. That will hurt no matter how I feel about him at that point. I have really no basis for deciding this. Well, ridiculous basis. He's certainly been the one slow to come around in this whole thing, and I feel like we like each other unequally. Or rather, I feel like he thinks I like him more than he likes me. I'm not sure if that's true. I need to figure that out in the next few days. Also, I feel like I always lose in situations like this. It all harks back to joss--nothing'll happen, Molly, just because you're you. Harsh words, but depressingly realistic. Obviously it's ridiculous to believe in blanket statements like that, that chalk things up to fate and "the way things are," but I still kind of think it's accurate.
So that raises the question of what to do now. I'd like to keep in touch seriously over the summer, emailing and calling. But is there any point, if I'm so convinced it won't go anywhere? yes? yes. I do think so. Partly because I'll always berate myself if I give up before I start. Take risks, right? No regrets. Well, here goes.
So the plan is to keep talking over the summer. And then we get back to school and reevaluate? Or really, we get back to school and just let things go for about a month. And if we don't kiss before the end of the month we know it's a wash and pretend that it was never an issue.
I really really hope that it's not a wash. It's not that I feel some intense passion for Adam currently, but I feel like I could and I'd like to. Does this signify that I'm just grasping for a relationship? I don't know about that either. Maybe it does. But only in a very minor way, I think. It would be ridiculous to really really like Adam at this point. I'll put that on hold for next year.
Will we have to talk about this before we get back to school? Probably. Should we talk about in the next week or two? I don't know, I guess so. I really don't know what's to say. Just to lay it out that we'll talk over the summer and let things take their course once we get back to school. That may be a very uncomfortable conversation. dammit I can't decide whether or not I'm glad that everything happened Monday night. If we had kept in touch without all of that, there wouldn't have been this uncomfortableness about it. I could have gone on speculating about something next year but had no real support to hang on. As it is, there's the hope and then my own horrible pessimism. Oh hell.
I can't decide how much of this I should tell to Adam. I feel like if I tell him my prediction for the unfortunate end of this then it will necesarily come true. So I won't. Plus it again makes me seem like the pathetic one.
Why am I so concerned about seeming the pathetic one? I secretly believe that it's true, perhaps. Yes, I suspect that that's the problem. dammit Molly.
All right, no regrets at all, ok? On Monday everything was absolutely wonderful. I need to stop dwelling on past events and stop forecasting disaster for the future. Look forward instead to Monday or Tuesday, when I will call. Don't let me chicken out.
:: so said slim ( 3:35 PM )
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please tell me that it does all work out, duke. I'm not entirely sure what last night meant, though it was positively lovely. this morning cast some doubts on its longstandingness, but I don't want longstandingness anyway. I just want to know exactly what's going on. communication. i can do that, goddammit.
:: so said slim ( 11:13 AM )
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what's to say, duke? it all works out, in some crazy intangible way.
:: so said slim ( 1:26 AM )
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